Family issues: Communication and Conflict
Communication problems are typically the crux of family issues and conflict, and typically the area of change people are seeking within their family relationships.
Communication problems and Conflict in families
Communication problems in families are typically around being misunderstood rather than the absence or lack of communication. People are rarely saying “we don’t communication”, but rather “you never listen to me”, “you don’t understand me”, “you always take it the wrong way”, or “that’s not what I meant”.
Typically, family relationships carry more emotional weight than other relationships because of the emotional and psychological history, identity, emotional and physical needs.
Expectations are also higher in family dynamics,
People expect the most from their family than other relationships, with requirements such as understanding without explanation, unconditional love and support, loyalty and unwavering emotional closeness.
Boundaries are also less defined and clear in family dynamics
In families, boundaries tend to be less clearly defined than in other relationships, may be more subjected to not being respected, and over-involvement (enmeshment). This can make it difficult to separate one’s own emotions and thoughts from that of their family members’.
Escalation
Typically, people are not listening to understand, but listening to defend and respond. When experiencing communication problems in families, people are highly defensive because of how fragile and important the family system is to them - because of the emotional investment.
Therefore, in family dynamics an objectively neutral comment can be perceived as a criticism or rejection, often leading to escalation and conflict. Layered with the emotional history of a family system, wounds can get triggered and reactivated easily.
This leads to escalation and vicious cycles of criticism, blame, defensiveness, contempt and shouting. All of these behaviour are protective behaviours: all that people are trying to do in conflict is protect themselves from hurt and re-wounding.
Not all families do conflict overtly. Communication problems can also be implicit and unseen, such as the avoidance of conflict completely, avoidance of certain topics, walking on eggshells or emotional withdrawal. This results in tension that’s not being spoken about and can have the same repercussions as overt communication problems. So the vicious cycle can also include withdrawal, distance and contempt.
Family issues don’t happen because people don’t care about each other. Rather, they don’t feel loved, heard, understood and they struggle to know how to get those needs met.
Power dynamics and roles
A family is a system, and one that is not equal. There is always a hierarchy in families and there are different roles each member holds. This means, roles can impact how communication happens. The basic roles include:
Parent(s) vs child(ren)
Older vs younger siblings
One parent/partner having more control than the other
Such roles in family dynamics come with assumptions. For example, the parent assumes “I should not have to explain myself” or “They should know how I feel”. These stay as assumptions and expectations creating a struggle for power and communication problems.
Other roles that manifest in families can be assigned unconsciously. For example, “the responsible one”, “the peacemaker” or “the troublemaker”. Such roles can stick to people for years. When someone begins to break out of the role they never auditioned for in the first place it can create conflict by disrupting the family dynamic. It means other members have to re position themselves accordingly.
Psychotherapy for family issues
You might be wondering “can therapy help with my family issues?”. Yes, psychotherapy can help with family issues.
A family therapist can support you and your family in improving communication and breaking unhealthy interactions and patterns. They can support you in building a new and healthier dynamic. This will require each member to acknowledge their respective roles in the family system and see how they are contributing.
Psychotherapy as an individual can also support you separately in understanding your own role in your family, helping you with asserting boundaries, or changing your interactions and behaviours.
Both forms of therapy can also address deeper emotional layers that are often not so visible, such as hurt, fear, resentment and grief.
However, therapy is not a magic fix and only works if each member is willing to look within. It also is not going to change the family dynamics over night; it will take time.
