A People Pleaser

People pleasing is constantly meeting the needs of others at the expense of one’s own needs. The inclination to please can also be related to Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD); a type of anxious personality disorder characterised by an excessive need to be submissive and care for, clingy behaviour and intense fear of being separated. It is also an incapability to take care of oneself.

There are identifiable traits of a people pleasure including:

·      Low self-worth

·      Lack of trust in their own needs

·      Excessively agreeable

·      Unable to say no often

·      Desperate need to be liked

·      Places importances on external praise

·      Does not assert the self

·      Avoids conflict

·      Accommodates other’s needs over their own needs

·      Apologises when not at fault

·      Follows and submits to the preferences of others

·      Personal worth is defined by others’ approval  

·      A lack of or weak identity

·      Feeling disconnected to oneself

·      Easily influenced by the opinon of others

·      Believing one is responsible for other people’s feelings and reactions

The motivation to people please at this cost is driven by psychological processes that are often rooted in early relationships (childhood):

Fear of rejection or failure

A people pleaser is afraid of being abandoned or rejected, that if they disappoint and cause the other to be unhappy, they’ll be unloved and left.

Insecurities (low self-worth/self-esteem/shame)

As a result of a people pleaser placing conditions on their worth through the approval of others, they believe that their goodness as a human is dependent on other’s being pleased with them. They tend to hold beliefs such as “If I do enough for others, I will be good enough” or “When I disappoint someone, there is something wrong with me, I am bad” or “I am shameful when I upset others”.

People pleasing most likely began as a way to cope, in early relationships/childhood.

If we find ourselves in relationships that make us feel unsafe for expressing our own thoughts, feelings, needs or wants we very quickly start to neglect ourselves. This is an evolutionary and biological threat, because as humans we are wired to be in connection to others. It is an innate need feel loved, to belong and be seen.  So the people pleaser in progress learns that in order to keep a relationship, they must abandon themselves. That their authenticity is simply not important.

The people pleaser most likely learned in an early relationship that to be themselves was going to have negative consequences (upset another, inconvenience another, take up too much space). 

The people pleaser may have had a parent whose love was given conditionally. As a child, they most likely learnt there were ways to receive and earn love and care, by speaking less, behaving in a certain way, or not expressing their feelings.  

The people pleaser may have had a parent whose love was emotionally unavailable to them. As a child, they most likely observed that there was no space for their feelings or thoughts (their parent couldn’t respond to them through acknowledgment or validation). They learnt that there would be no one there to meet them in their feelings. They learn that abandonment was imminent.

The people pleasure may have been abandoned or rejected. They would have then internalised that as their own fault, and therefore develop beliefs such as “I am bad”, “I am broken”. They start to worry about being disapproved of and dismissed when or if they don’t please others. 

The people pleasure may have had a very critical parent or figure in their lives, eventually learning that “I can never get anything right” or “I am not good enough”.

Therefore self-abandonment and self-neglect develops as a way to survive the relationship by being acceptable and appropriate. The person learns that this works because it keeps them safe and loved– they therefore get to keep the relationship through a morphed version of themselves. A version that’s shrunken and suppressed their true selves. This leads to the development of the people pleaser.

To summarise, relationship trauma is at the core of the development of the people pleaser. It can become a habit to the extent that the person does not even realise the abandonment of the self, the loss of self and the neglect of self. Putting the self first becomes almost impossible.

Psychotherapy for the people pleaser 

Most people pleasers are unaware of their tendencies, and even of the self-abandonment that has happened overtime. However, if anything from this article resonates with you, psychotherapy can be a helpful tool to understand yourself better.

 Working with a qualified psychotherapist can support you in learning the value and importance of boundaries – something that is imperative for people pleasers. Boundaries are especially important for people-pleasers because they often don’t know when someone has overstepped and is asking too much of them. It is like being physically wounded but having no awareness that you’re bleeding. You can learn how to put yourself first, that you are not responsible for the feelings and reactions of others, that there is a self in you waiting to be re discovered.