Family issues: Surviving Narcissism

It is not uncommon in families to have to deal with a member who exhibits narcissistic traits. The work is not about changing them, but changing yourself.

What is narcissism?

The term ‘narcissism’ derives from the Greek mythological figure Narcissus. A self-absorbed, vain and young man, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in the water. Narcissism as a personality trait is influenced by this very mythology. It can be seen as excessive self-love, where one feels superior to others, and struggles to co-exist fairly with others.

Psychologists recognise pathological levels of narcissism as the Narcissistic personality disorder, which is considered a mental health condition. When one has this personality disorder, they tend to have unreasonably high sense of self importance, need excessive attention and admiration from the outside world. However, narcissism does not mean one thinks well of the self, but wants to think well of the self. An inferiority complex quietly operates underneath. Psychologists know that Narcissism correlates with low self-esteem. Behind the mask of grandiosity, narcissists feel worthless and become easily upset by the smallest criticism.

A narcissistic character can be the cause of difficulties in lots of different types of relationships (family, partners, friends, work). Relationships tend to show up as difficult and unfulfilling, as they are easily upset when they do not get what they believe they are entitled to. Narcissists also have a hard time seeing the world from the perspective of another, which often leads to pushing people away as people grow to enjoy their company less.

How does narcissism become a problem in families?

In a healthy relationship, a normal disagreement is mutually discussed and resolved. With a narcissist, a normal disagreement is absent and conflict is a calculative campaign. This campaign erodes your identity, self-esteem and self-confidence. Your boundaries are slowly and systematically disrespected. They believe they’re entitled to special treatment and will impose these on you. You begin to doubt yourself, wonder “Am I being too sensitive?”, “Am I overreacting?”. This is the trick of the narcissist, to convince you that the problem is not their behaviour, but your reaction to it. When experiencing this with a family member, you can experience guilt for not feeling good about your relationship with them. As humans, it’s natural to want to have healthy and peaceful connections with our families, so it hurts when they are ruptured.

If the narcissist is the parent, it can become tricker because of position of power. You might start to feel confused between authority and respect. “Am I being disrespectful to my parent for not giving them what they want?” are one of the question you might be asking yourself. Feelings become entangled. Through the strategic use of confusion and doubt, they maintain power and the manipulation can make you question your own sanity.

It is also tricky with family members because we might feel we have limited options regarding contact with them. We are constantly managing with the unattainable expectations of the narcissist. This means you may be monitoring their mood and behaviours, trying to read their energy - this is exhausting when you are in constant contact with them.

Managing the relationship with a narcissist

You can refuse to be drawn into this confusion and game the narcissist wants you to remain in with them. The task will be to change yourself, not them. The reality is, trying to change a narcissist is almost impossible.

Asserting boundaries is the crux of the matter.

A narcissist’s control mechanisms depend on your participation. Practising to assert your boundaries is how you will cease participation. This will be difficult but it is imperative for you to leave the dynamic and essentially communicate that you will refuse to take part in their games of manipulation where they maintain control.

Boundaries are a threat to the psychological structure of the narcissist, because it means you won’t be giving them what they want. You might say something along the lines of:

“I want to let you know of my boundaries. They are not up for negotiation, and they are unchangeable.” Then proceed to explain your boundaries.

“Your feelings and how you react when your needs are not met is not my responsibility.”

“I won’t be spoken to that way. This is not a request, this is a rule. This is a standard for respectful communication.”

“When you speak to me like that, I will be removing myself from the situation as I don’t engage with that type of behaviour".

WARNING: The narcissist is most likely going to protest against these boundaries. However, it is important that you remain firm with them. Instead of trying to justify your boundaries, or explain why they are there, you’ll be better of bringing the focus back to the boundary it itself. You could say something along the lines of:

“I hear you are upset about my boundaries, but they won’t be changing. They will remain as they are.”

“I understand you don’t like my boundaries, and you have every right to disagree with them. However, you will have to accept them.”

You need an unshakeable calm to not get drawn into their game. You are most likely going to feel tempted or pressured to respond to their grievance. Try your hardest not to. Simply keep bringing them back to the boundary.

The work truly belongs to you, not to them. It is about the mechanisms and resources you’re going to build inside yourself to make you structurally inaccessible to the narcissist. Calm and assertiveness are paramount resources you want to start investing in.

The narcissist’s power was never truly theirs, but yours, on loan. It’s the energy you gave to them, it never belonged to them, rather was borrowed from you.

Psychotherapy for family issues and dealing with a narcissist

Psychotherapy can support you in dealing with family issues that are entangled with dealing with a narcissistic family member. It can feel disorientating in trying to navigate your true feelings about the situation, whether you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. Having a professional hear you can support you in managing these feelings and loss of self, and support you navigating your responses.